Hey, I'm still waiting for CC to implement the suggested alterations to "Rack" that I suggested back in 2005. . . .

~~~~~~~~flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I'd satire the import hoochie mags with a "Beauties and Beaters" photo spread--roachie, primered, jacked-up street rats with elegant models posing nearby in extravagant evening and formalwear.  That'd sure turn the crank of those "more girls" fans who probably really just want more low-class "MTV-style" snatch in everything . . . ."

* * * *

"And whoever came up with the idea to pair up hotties and beaters is a genius."


"I don't know about that, but when I get fired for surfing CarCraft.com instead of working, maybe I could produce the photo shoot!" [Well that FIRST PART came true . . . .]


"But I am thinking about expanding it to make it a bit more politically correct, including:

--Some hot Amish chicks from Lancaster County, PA, scoping out a bitchin Pro-Beater (a tubbed beater--I'm thinking maybe a rusty/primered four door with a huge 8-71 poking out of the hood and some 33" M/Ts) under the disapproving eyes of one of those guys that looks like Fred Ziffel-in-black,  watching from a traditional horse-drawn buggy (but I'll make sure to follow PHR's Johnny Hunkins' advice to catch a "horizon line" reflection on the side of the buggy)

--Female motorcycle cops pulling over Magneto's slant 6 (with a couple of his lawn-care sheep in the back seat for our animal-loving friends)

--Secretaries fawning all over a V6 Camaro

--A female Islamic AAA tow truck driver (in a full veil and burqua, of course) picking up (yet again)  Freiburger's Project "BirdTurd-Formula-for-financial-disaster" Firebird

[THIS IS SHAPING UP AS A FAIRLY GOOD LIST OF CARS THAT WEREN'T FINISHED BY FOLKS WHO NO LONGER WORK AT CC . . .]

--Hot Indian (as in India) chicks in lab coats dyno-testing Disco Nova (on hold until Freiburger can re-steal THE KING's engine)

--Two super-fine Geishas posing with a grinning David Freiburger and his new Suburban (of course these elements have absolutely nothing in common)

--Mrs. Freiburger clubbing the Suburban with a rolling pin

--Illegal alien chicks dressed as Caltrans flagpersons (okay, "independent contractors"--don't be so technical) with Project Cone Head

--Down-home Southern girls throwing a hay bale into the back of Project El Camino

--ER nurses bandaging Freiburger's sandal-clad feet after he drops something on them in the infamous Car Craft shop.

--Gangsta girls torching up what looks to be Project Heavy Metal (an old "G-ride" Impala CC built and lost about a decade ago)

--Librarian chicks with Harry Carey-sized glasses looking over Magneto's HEMI and Wilshire Shaker . . . ."

* * * *

"And how could I have forgotten this one for the photo spread:

Linda Vaughn and her favorite Hurst Olds . . . you know, the one with the 'superior GM engine.'

http://www.69olds.com/ho.html

Of course we could spice this one up by having the fabulous Miss Hurst holding JEFF SMITH at bay with a tire iron to keep him from ripping out the "superior GM engine" and plugging in another (yawn) expensive LSx into Vaughn's beautiful, classic H/O."

~~~~~~~~~~~~End Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Instead, we've gotten a bunch more small-time professional models, mixed in with some chicks apparently recruited at the local truck stop cafe'.

Not very creative . . . .

AT LEAST, LET'S HAVE NO MORE "TRAMP STAMPS" OR OTHER TACKY BODY ART . . . let's leave the skanky tatooed circus/carney broads to the fake "RETRO WANTABE" greaser mags, such as "Hot Rod Deluxe," "Old Skool Rodz," and "Tetanus Shot Rod" or whatever it is that Jesse James calls his rebel car mag. Okay?

By the way, here's an example of how to shoot a chick for a car mag: (second and fourth photos) (oddly enough, courtesy of Jesse James' neo-retro-faker-"slappin'-some-sense-back-into-car-magazines" mag)  

Hey, I got a few more brainstorms for "girls-n-cars" photo spreads in Car Craft . . .

--Now that she's got some extra time on her hands, CC could have Hillary "Hot Rodham" Clinton* draped over Barack Obama's favorite "classic" Detroit car**-- a mid-'70s Ford Grenada.* * *


*Of course we'd have to lock up all the "baby-tees" and thongs in the "Rack" wardrobe department and only shoot from the waist up . . . .

**Hey the BIG O probably would have liked "Iacocca's Grenade" if Jeff "Camaro Craft" Smith could have gotten him a deal on an LSx powerplant (not that Turbo Ted approves of such cross-bred muscle cars).  Then Barack could have styled without shame over to Chicagoland's historic hot rod hangout, Duke's Drive-In . . . .  IT MIGHT HAVE CHANGED THE COURSE OF HISTORY!

* * * An alternative would be to pose Ol' Hill with Bill Clinton's six-cylinder '67 Mustang. (Maybe we could get her to wear a blue dress . . . .)


--A bevy of them nubile, young Texas polygamist "wives/sisters/cousins" with some tricked-out vans and Police Interceptors . . . .

--Danica "Go Daddy" Patrick brandishing a tire iron next to a crumpled, steaming muscle car (probably any number of CC staff-owned vehicles would do), stomping off in search of that "idiot" guy that hit her . . .  .

--Those four chicks that chase around Kasey Kayne in those "Allstate Accident Forgiveness" commercials taking delivery on a new Dodge Challenger SRT-8  . . . . (Look out!)

--Lindsay Lohan and one of her cars after a hot Saturday night on the town in the lead photo for CC's annual paint & body work issue. . . .  

--Oprah Winfrey**** giving away CC's great speckled Project Firebirdturd Pontiac . . . .

****Again, we've got to lock up all of the baby-tees and short-shorts in the "Rack" compound  

--And how about Ralph Nader-ette auto safety disciple Joan Claybrook** standing in abject horror at a pack of jacked-up, supercharged, van-front-axle gassers and an Olds Toronado-powered Chevrolet Corvair?

(You can tell that bean burrito and refried bean "value meal" has finally  . . . (burp) . . . kicked in . . . . )


**Edwin will have to break out that emergency burqua and welding goggles to get through this shoot . . . .

--Or maybe grandma Nancy Pelosi* * * (San Fran Nan) standing on one of those infamous San Francisco hill-side streets with a Bullitt Mustang sailing over head  ("But what if we don't get up enough speed to make the jump?  Don't worry about it . . . .")

* * * San Fran Nan is one of the politicians that helped kill the affordable V8 musclecar with the draconian 35 m.p.g. Corporate Average Fuel Economy law.  

WOW... that deserves a hearty golf clap.Let me think about this... you want to see Hillary Clinton and a Ford Grenada in the same issue. How twisted are you. Now if it was a Grenada GT(JACKED UP WITH A 302) that another story. The fums from that "value meal" must be going to your head.Damn I think I can feel it from here.  

I think it's just a satire of the whole irrelevant-girls-in-a-car-magazine concept.  Or maybe Turbo Ted's really insane . . . .

And isn't it "Granada?"

(Although I suspect Turbo Ted was making a play on words . . . Grenade/Grenada)

When did Ford make a "Granada GT?"  I remember they had  sporty "ESS" and S option packages, but I don't recall ever seeing a "GT" model.  

I dont think ford ever made a Granada GT ether. Theres a two-door Granada chrome GT decals on it that used to fly around my area. But didnt Ford offer a 302/4speed option on the Granada? I'm sure my grandmother had one new.  

I like...keep it.  

I always figured it would eventually come to this. Overall, I like CC the way it is, but if I had to choose, I'd say keep K&B. I used to get CarToons when I was a kid and it's great to see them back. If you ditch the chicks, please don't just fill it with advertising. (like some "enhancement" ads I've seen)  

Please don't listen to the codgers that want to ax the girls... they are not splayed all over the place and they are done well. I like girls, my plumbing still works, and my girlfriend has ordered some of the merchandise featured. Car stuff for chicks is cool.

To those wanting to do away with Krass & Bernie.... ARE YOU KIDDING? WTF? All of you need to turn in your guy cards and take up knitting... or Street Rodder.
Trosley rules, K&B are gods and when I take off I want my car to do a wheelie and have the AAAAAHHHH!!!!! following it. I want a garage that pops out  crazy cars overnight. I want curvy chicks who eat burgers and have an  endless supply of hot friends... K&B is one of the first things that I read.

These discussions should be non-issues for Car Craft readers... Cars, Girls, and Fun. Don't touch a thing....

What's next, take out the burnout shots? How-to articles on unfolding lawn chairs and custom "racing" wheels for little rascals?

The ones who always complain about having "more tech" are usually the same ones who then complain that the tech was not what they wanted to read. Get back to the garage and be thankful for Car Craft and the joy they bring. Less whining, more wrenchin'. A little eye candy never hurt anyone...

Cars, Girls, Fun. Don't mess with it....  

DUH!ITS A NO BRAINER!IT STAYS!If my wife thinks shes shopping & looking at the hot girls with the way cool car stuff on then youve gotta keep it! Please dont fool around & loose it! You are the only place where anyone can see the clothes we wish i wifes would wear & they can see them on other girls to see if its really cool,cute, or just another fashion line thats to "upper class" like the crap girls wear now with the acrocombie *** stuff! Or whatever they call it?
SO IF MY WIFE LOOKS AT YOUR MAGAZINE EVREY MONTH THATS ONE MORE READER PLUS ITS A GIRL SO BE PROUD & DONT STOP THE RACK!
MAN I CANT BELIVE YOU EVEN QUESTIONED THE TERMINATION OF THE RACK? IT JUST EVEN SOUNDS WRONG! TOM  

you (older) guys remember the AUTOBUFF rag..i mean mag..  

I think you were fired for being weird, not looking at CC.